June is bustin' out all over.  I so love the green, the flowers, not so much the mosquitoes.  I am having a constant battle with weeds in my tiny little garden, but never fear!  I will win.

Tomorrow will be one year to the day that we drove LeRoy to Fort Meade to be in hospice care.  I think so often of the caregivers there.  They became just like family - angels on earth.  I realize some of the VA's in our country are having difficulties, but Ft. Meade is just an amazing place to get care.

When we left that day, we didn't know if he would be there for a week, a month, or what.  He was there 10 weeks.  So much of that time he was talking and visiting, and going on occasional outings.  I miss him so much.  I am grateful, however, for all the friends and family who show their concern and support -- and even put up with my rambling.

Take good care of each other, dear ones.  And of course, keep looking up.

Anger again.. on steroids...

I can't believe it's been a month since I blogged.  I am up to my ears in cupcakes (this is good) and housecleaning for an upcoming visit from eldest son Rod (this is also good).  He and Lucy don't care if my house has been cleaned, but I do.

Interesting that in my last post, I wrote about anger.  I had a melt-down on graduation day, but not until evening when I was driving to Trina's house for supper.  I did just fine at commencement; I would think, "LeRoy would have loved that song" and "He would have been so proud of Sammy."  We had a wonderful day (and great reception the day before) with friends, family, food and fellowship.

As I drove that evening, I just got angrier and angrier.  How dare cancer keep LeRoy from sharing in the joy of this day?  His first grandchild's graduation from high school!  He was not 105 years old.  He was 70.  I just feel cheated, and most of all, I feel that he was cheated.

It is often said that we need to air these rants and that we will feel better afterwards.  I don't know if that's true, but my family came through for me and we even ended up having a riotous game of dominoes that evening.  Laughter is truly good for the soul.

Meanwhile, Mother's Day was completely beautiful - I heard the voices of all four kids between Saturday and Monday, and received way too much in the way of cards and gifts.  What a bunch of sweeties.

Tomorrow I will drive back to Fort Meade for the memorial service for all veterans who were in their hospice unit last year.  There will be names read, honor given, a meal shared.  I am looking forward to seeing the amazing people who took such good care of LeRoy for 10 weeks.

So, you can see I am "recovering" as I journey through this thing called grief.  I do look up.  I do hear his voice.  Even more frequently, I hear His voice.  Keep looking up!

More mind meanderings

I have been looking over the great newsletters that come from the VA Center at Ft. Meade and from the Hospice Foundation of America.  I get something out of every single issue.

The latest one from Ft. Meade talks about the anger that is part of grieving.  Having been raised to pretty much "stuff" or ignore anger, I have a lot to learn.  This article says, in part, "Giving yourself permission to be angry indicates your strength and courage to choose survival in the face of what may feel like hopelessness."  I thought that was insightful.

Sometimes quotes pop up from unlikely places, too.  I am an avid fan of a PBS series named "Call the Midwife."  One of the young nurses in last week's episode lost her soon-to-be fiancée.  A dear, older Jewish woman spoke with her, indicating she would not always feel like she did at that time.

"Really?" the young woman asked.  "How can I do this?"

The wise Jewess said, "You just keep living until you are alive again."

Wise, wise words.

Don't stop looking up!

The greatest Christian holiday

Easter us upon us; another "first" without my beloved.  I am not dreading this holiday, though, because where in the world would we be without Easter?  Think of LeRoy's first Easter in heaven!  I'm thinking the music and celebration will be far beyond what our finite minds could handle.  I am so grateful for a loving Savior.

There's been some chatter lately about the idea that we are all just going to heaven, no matter what.  While that's a nice, fuzzy-feeling philosophy, I can't believe Christ's painful sacrifice on the cross is just "symbolic."  Can I explain why He would die for MY sins?  No.  Am I indescribably thankful?  Yes.  Does the Bible support these last statements?  Yes.

I believe that we are indeed accountable for our actions, but  whether you say salvation, or personal relationship with Jesus Christ, or any other phrase -- we are doomed without it.  Yes, God honors our good works.  No, that's not what "saves" us.  We are saved by grace.

Perhaps on this Easter morning, we should be calling ourselves "grace-ful" along with grateful.

Have a blessed day, friends, and keep looking up up up!

Some things are just hard

I'm house sitting in the Black Hills for a few days.  When I come here for a day or two, there are so many people I don't get to see.  It's great to have several days in a row, although the bitter weather kept me housebound for several days.

It was hard to drive to the Hills without my beloved by my side.
It was hard to tell the doctor's receptionist that no, LeRoy Biesheuvel is no longer responsible for this bill.
It was hard to listen to our favorite contemporary gospel group alone.
It was hard to sleep in the king size bed without that husband of 46 years.
It was hard to get the dog's haircut and not have LeRoy here to enjoy her cologne.  He always made such a big fuss over how pretty she looked and how lovely she smelled.

As I drove into Sturgis yesterday, I thought, "LeRoy, I'll bet you are glad you didn't have to go outside in this cold."  It was below zero, and he was always cold.  Always.

After all these hard things, though, the bottom line was :  he is warm.  He is safe.  And he is well.

If you look up, you might just imagine him giving us that signature wave, and saying, "All is well, all is well."

Romance, Shmomance

This week started out with me feeling a bit sorry for myself.  Every commercial, every news article, every signpost screamed "These people are TOGETHER.  You are ALONE."  Honestly, I don't think Christmas even gets this much advertising.

Not liking how I was feeling, I made some concrete plans to get through this gooey holiday.  I was also distracted by a number of cupcake orders, and that has kept me happy AND busy.  I'm sure part of my "funk" is an underlying nervousness about Monday's appointment (finally) with a specialist in Billings.  I really need to get to the bottom of these bladder issues.  No pun intended.

So, I first mailed valentines that I had made, to each of my kids.  Handed out same to the folks in our Bible Study group, who have become family to me. 

I have extra cupcakes and a few more cards, so tomorrow I will deliver those to folks at the nursing home.  Friday night is a prime rib dinner at Faith Bible church here in town.  Saturday night is the annual Masonic sweetheart banquet.  It will be so good to see those folks again.

Last but not least, Sunday afternoon is the Italian Feast at Boyes.  I love that event.  You can see it is going to be a very social weekend.  It is also possible I will have to buy new jeans come Monday.

Looking up!  Keep looking up!

Corner? What corner?

Whoever said "You never know what's around a corner" really knew what he was talking about.  To that, I reply, "It's a good thing."

On Tuesday, Jan. 21, my son drove me to Miles City so I could spend the night in a motel and get over to the hospital.  My friend who was going to sit with me could not come, but I thought I have done this so many times, I can do this alone.  Next, the cab company would NOT answer their phone.  The owner of the motel, who happens to be the brother of a good friend in Broadus, kindly gave me a ride to the hospital.

Don't EVER try to make that interminable wait until they wheel you down the hall -- alone.  If our interim pastor had not kept me company that whole time, I would have gotten up and walked out.  Naturally, I was thinking of how many times LeRoy had stood by me, softening my anxiety, distracting me, and loving me. 

Pastor McKay never left my side, and even though I broke down a couple of times, we had good conversations and lovely prayer.  He came back more than once after the gallbladder had come out, too.  I am eternally grateful to him.

Had a lot of trouble retaining urine and this caused a good deal of strife.  Finally got squared away and after a 4 hour discharge, came home via Rich the Good Son.  This was Thursday.

I thought I was getting a bit stronger by the half-day, but by Friday night, I felt lousy. 
daughter Trina and her daughter Kaylie arrived to help me for the weekend.  When I went to bed, I thought I felt quite warm.  Trina took my temp - 102 F.  Back to the hospital, this time courtesy of the ambulance.

Raging infection - (in the blood) - more urine troubles - white count of 17,000.  More orange jello.
X-rays, CT scan, blood work - the works.  By Sunday I was perked up enough to go home AGAIN.  Next I developed back spasms - trip to our local clinic - 2 prescriptions did the trip.

 I have been taking it easy but moving around a lot, too, and today I drove my car. I actually think I'm going to make it! 

One thing about it.  I have had enough adventures for awhile; I'm ready for some boring.

Help me keep looking up!

Breathe. Just breathe.

Try as I might, I was having a lot of trouble turning everything over to God in recent days.  My gallbladder surgery is scheduled for Jan. 22, and I went into almost panic mode. 

Several people took a statement I made,  completely wrong.  I mentioned that several things were concerning me, including who would cook for my son.  OF COURSE my son can cook, but it's a little like if you are employed, you plan on being able to do your job.  Since I'm retired, keeping a home is my job. 

Most of my angst was caused by feeling keenly the loss of my caregiver, LeRoy.  When I was doing chemo, and when I had a back fusion, he took care of me.  I do have so many friends and family offering help, I will be fine.  It just didn't feel like it for a few days.

A lot depends on whether the procedure will be done with the laparoscope or the huge incision.  I am packing as if I will be in the hospital for a week or 10 days, and then when I get to come home in 2 days, I will be happily surprised!

I don't know when I can blog again, but don't give up on me.

I did run across a wonderful quote from Gordon R. Hinckley, on my daily horse calendar: "Stop seeking out the storms and enjoy more fully the sunlight."

Isn't that awesome?  As you keep looking up, that sunlight will be there even if a layer of clouds obscures it.

January - the longest month?

I must have written the Christmas Day blog early in the day.  As the holiday wore on, all I wanted to do was bawl.  I had not made a plan for the 25th, since we celebrated with the kids on the 21st and Rich and I had such a nice Christmas Eve. 

I won't make that mistake again.  The more the day slipped away, the worse I felt.  I do realize that "tears are cleansing" etc., etc., but when they last all day, you end up feeling horrible.  Next year will be better.

Now I've had many pleasant days although finding out I may have to get gallbladder removed is a bit troubling.  The operative word here is "may." 

I have been experimenting with more flavors and frostings for the cupcakes, and really hope the kitchen inspection happens next week so I can get going officially.  Valentines Day sounds to me like such a good time to make cupcakes!

I'm doing therapy for the dizziness that has plagued me and I am improving.  Caught the sniffles the other day and I was LIVID.  Have not had a cold in 5 years.  I took a long nap, an antihistamine, and have been fine since.  Whew!

LeRoy's scholarship fund has issued the first check to a nursing student, and in August we will disperse funds for the first P.A. student.  I know he is just beaming from above!

Meanwhile, thanks for letting me ramble.  I am so blessed to have the friends and family I was given.

Look up - January can't last forever!  Or the cold.