I'm about to fly off to sunny (I hope) California to visit my eldest son and family, and get in some beach time. This will be the last blog for a while, but I'll be back in a couple of weeks!
Here are excerpts from "The Next Place". I should say, as a Christian, I miss references to God and heaven and the trinity, but the words are still lovely, I think. This was given to me last summer by a dear, dear friend.
"The next place that I go will be as peaceful and familiar
as a sleepy summer Sunday and a sweet, untroubled mind.
And yet...it won't be anything like any place I've ever been..
or seen.. or even dreamed of in the place I leave behind.
I'll glide beyond the rainbow. I'll drift above the sky.
I'll fly into the wonder, without ever wondering why.
There will be no room for darkness in that place of living light,
Where an ever-dawning morning pushes back the dying night.
The very air will fill with brilliance, as the brightly shining sun
And the moon and half a million stars are married into one.
I will finally be perfect. I will be without a flaw.
I will never make one more mistake, or break the smallest law.
I will travel empty-handed. There is not a single thing
I have collected in my life that I would ever want to bring
except..the love of those who loved me, and the warmth of those who cared.
The happiness and memories and magic that we shared.
I will cherish all the friendship I was fortunate to find,
all the love and all the laughter in the place I leave behind.
All these good things will go with me. They will make my spirit glow.
And the light will shine forever in the next place that I go."
I hope you find a measure of peace in these words. Meanwhile, keep looking up!
Saturday, October 26, 2013
Monday, October 21, 2013
Resources galore
I am finding many resources that help in this grieving process. I'm going to discuss some of them in case anybody out there would find them useful, whether their loss is distant or recent.
First, even without mourning, a day starts lots better with a devotional. My very favorite, and I have been through many, is titled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. This is available at Christian Book Distributors and Amazon, I believe. She has a way of cutting right to your weaknesses and offering such terrific counsel.
Several quotes have "grabbed me" lately - something like when you break a leg and find many other people with the same thing:
From Mother Teresa - "I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
From Tom Clancy, of all people, the great fiction writer: "Without Remorse (title). And if I go while you're still here.. know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure - behind a veil you cannot see through. You will not see me, so you must have faith. I wait for a time when we can soar together again - both aware of each other. Until then, live your life to it's fullest. And when you need me, just whisper my name in your heart... I will be there." Isn't that beautiful?
I read one chapter each morning in the book by Marta Felber called "Finding Your Way after Your Spouse Dies." This lady knows of whence she speaks. I love that she never suggests that you "buck up, old girl" but rather, offers such practical things to do to help.
"Tear Soup" by Schwiebert and DeKlyen is a marvelous book, too. Hidden in the almost child-like narrative are gems of wisdom to tuck away in your mind, and pull out when you need them. The illustrations are superb.
I just finished a novel by Ann Hood, a favorite author of mine, called "The Obituary Writer." As one of the two main characters works with grieving people, in the early 1900's, she makes many observations about mourning. As she struggled with her own loss, she "began to speak the language of grief. She understood that grief is not neat and orderly; it does not follow any rules. Time does not heal it. Rather, time insists on passing, and as it does, grief changes but does not go away." I found this very, very insightful.
So, if any of you want publishers or more information, please feel free to call me at 406-853-0376. We are all in this old life together, and isn't that a good thing? Remember to keep looking up.
First, even without mourning, a day starts lots better with a devotional. My very favorite, and I have been through many, is titled "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. This is available at Christian Book Distributors and Amazon, I believe. She has a way of cutting right to your weaknesses and offering such terrific counsel.
Several quotes have "grabbed me" lately - something like when you break a leg and find many other people with the same thing:
From Mother Teresa - "I have found the paradox that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love."
From Tom Clancy, of all people, the great fiction writer: "Without Remorse (title). And if I go while you're still here.. know that I live on, vibrating to a different measure - behind a veil you cannot see through. You will not see me, so you must have faith. I wait for a time when we can soar together again - both aware of each other. Until then, live your life to it's fullest. And when you need me, just whisper my name in your heart... I will be there." Isn't that beautiful?
I read one chapter each morning in the book by Marta Felber called "Finding Your Way after Your Spouse Dies." This lady knows of whence she speaks. I love that she never suggests that you "buck up, old girl" but rather, offers such practical things to do to help.
"Tear Soup" by Schwiebert and DeKlyen is a marvelous book, too. Hidden in the almost child-like narrative are gems of wisdom to tuck away in your mind, and pull out when you need them. The illustrations are superb.
I just finished a novel by Ann Hood, a favorite author of mine, called "The Obituary Writer." As one of the two main characters works with grieving people, in the early 1900's, she makes many observations about mourning. As she struggled with her own loss, she "began to speak the language of grief. She understood that grief is not neat and orderly; it does not follow any rules. Time does not heal it. Rather, time insists on passing, and as it does, grief changes but does not go away." I found this very, very insightful.
So, if any of you want publishers or more information, please feel free to call me at 406-853-0376. We are all in this old life together, and isn't that a good thing? Remember to keep looking up.
Friday, October 18, 2013
The roller coaster
When LeRoy was seeing so many doctors, we would be hopeful for every new treatment, chemo, radiation, etc. I often described our life as a roller coaster because it was indeed full of ups and downs.
I'm finding that mourning is even more of a roller coaster. A couple of days ago, I couldn't do anything without crying. Finding a recipe for something LeRoy loved, coming up against the frustration of changing Medicare drug plans, trying to answer friends honestly when they asked how I am --- all brought forth Niagara Falls.
For no discernible reason, the next few days were just "up." I even treated myself this morning to making banana cupcakes. Just for fun. I have plenty of housework I should be doing, but as soon as I get to the store for cream cheese (which I thought I had!) I will be frosting those beauties.
I probably need to adopt the policy that LeRoy and I used when he was getting so sick. We would tell folks about having good and bad days, and we would say that we just got through the bad ones and really enjoyed the good ones.
Not a bad plan for living. Especially when you remember to look up on BOTH kinds of days.
Make it a good day, friends.
I'm finding that mourning is even more of a roller coaster. A couple of days ago, I couldn't do anything without crying. Finding a recipe for something LeRoy loved, coming up against the frustration of changing Medicare drug plans, trying to answer friends honestly when they asked how I am --- all brought forth Niagara Falls.
For no discernible reason, the next few days were just "up." I even treated myself this morning to making banana cupcakes. Just for fun. I have plenty of housework I should be doing, but as soon as I get to the store for cream cheese (which I thought I had!) I will be frosting those beauties.
I probably need to adopt the policy that LeRoy and I used when he was getting so sick. We would tell folks about having good and bad days, and we would say that we just got through the bad ones and really enjoyed the good ones.
Not a bad plan for living. Especially when you remember to look up on BOTH kinds of days.
Make it a good day, friends.
Tuesday, October 15, 2013
It feels so good to laugh. I know there are grieving people who feel guilty if they find themselves laughing, but I just know God gave us both laughter and tears. The new puppy, who by the way is growing by leaps and bounds, gives Rich and me much, much entertainment. (The potty training not so much, but that's a different blog.)
Last night Izzy came roaring into the living room with her food dish in her mouth. It's Tupperware, and I suspect we will need to switch to metal before too long. She stopped and looked at us like, "Well, why isn't there any food in this thing?" Then she raced back and forth several times in our living/dining area. Jumped up on the couch WITH THE THING IN HER MOUTH, which made us laugh even more. She got it flipped upside down. Spent a good deal of time trying strategically to get it turned over. She won, too! So smart, but struggling with telling us when to go outside. Sometimes she does, but usually it's the humans who offer to take her out.
It's possible I need to get a life, if a puppy and a bowl are that entertaining to me.
But maybe not.
Keep looking up, friends!
Last night Izzy came roaring into the living room with her food dish in her mouth. It's Tupperware, and I suspect we will need to switch to metal before too long. She stopped and looked at us like, "Well, why isn't there any food in this thing?" Then she raced back and forth several times in our living/dining area. Jumped up on the couch WITH THE THING IN HER MOUTH, which made us laugh even more. She got it flipped upside down. Spent a good deal of time trying strategically to get it turned over. She won, too! So smart, but struggling with telling us when to go outside. Sometimes she does, but usually it's the humans who offer to take her out.
It's possible I need to get a life, if a puppy and a bowl are that entertaining to me.
But maybe not.
Keep looking up, friends!
Sunday, October 13, 2013
I ventured out to a community event alone last night. It was a fund-raising auction and supper for a little boy with cancer. Our little town always comes through for these events; I don't know the total but I know it must have been a LOT.
My new budget wouldn't let me bid on the terrific stuff that was offered, but I was able to buy the meal and donate a couple of items. Budget matters are among the things that I have to get used to, living in my new normal.
I didn't have a lot of trouble through the meal because I sat with friends and saw lots of folks I haven't run into since LeRoy's funeral. The hugs all felt so good. After awhile, though, I just developed the feeling that I shouldn't be there. Maybe it's just going to take some time to get used to this "singleness" status after 46 years of being half of a couple. Others have survived this and I will, too. Meanwhile, I keep looking up.
My new budget wouldn't let me bid on the terrific stuff that was offered, but I was able to buy the meal and donate a couple of items. Budget matters are among the things that I have to get used to, living in my new normal.
I didn't have a lot of trouble through the meal because I sat with friends and saw lots of folks I haven't run into since LeRoy's funeral. The hugs all felt so good. After awhile, though, I just developed the feeling that I shouldn't be there. Maybe it's just going to take some time to get used to this "singleness" status after 46 years of being half of a couple. Others have survived this and I will, too. Meanwhile, I keep looking up.
Saturday, October 12, 2013
I came across a poem I've loved for years. It's called "A Birthday Wish" by Dorothy Nell McDonald. Even though it's supposed to be presented to a person on the occasion of their birthday, I found it meaningful during this grieving time, for some reason.
I do not wish you joy without a sorrow
Or endless day without the healing dark.
Nor brilliant sun without the restful shadow
Nor tides that never turn against your bark.
I wish you faith and strength
and love and wisdom,
Goods gold enough to help some needy one.
I wish you songs but also blessed silence
And God's sweet peace when every day is done.
I do not wish you joy without a sorrow
Or endless day without the healing dark.
Nor brilliant sun without the restful shadow
Nor tides that never turn against your bark.
I wish you faith and strength
and love and wisdom,
Goods gold enough to help some needy one.
I wish you songs but also blessed silence
And God's sweet peace when every day is done.
Friday, October 11, 2013
Bikes and hail storms
It's nice when memories are triggered that make you smile instead of bawl. I found a snapshot of LeRoy today in his black motorcycle jacket and vest. His eyeglasses are covered with rain, as is the window on the passenger side where he is sitting.
Years ago, we were leading the Northern Hills tour during the Motorcycle Rally. Up near Deadwood we hit a huge hailstorm. LeRoy made me get in the pickup truck (that follows along to pick up broken-down bikes) and he took shelter under a big old pine tree. The lady driving the truck and I decided there was too much lightning for his plan to be safe, so we scrunched together and made room. She snapped the pic.
When the storm abated, we started for home and here was a guy who had put his foot down when he stopped his bike -- only the weeds were taller than he thought and he broke his ankle. The pickup driver and I stuck him in the truck and hurried on down to the Sturgis hospital. You should have seen the people in reception. "You have a guy with what? You brought him in a truck? He hasn't been seen by any medical personnel?" Nobody had cell phones during this period of time, and I still think we got him to medical help way quicker than any other plan. I know he was really appreciative and sent the lady driver a huge bouquet of roses after he got home to Michigan! Ah, memories.
Years ago, we were leading the Northern Hills tour during the Motorcycle Rally. Up near Deadwood we hit a huge hailstorm. LeRoy made me get in the pickup truck (that follows along to pick up broken-down bikes) and he took shelter under a big old pine tree. The lady driving the truck and I decided there was too much lightning for his plan to be safe, so we scrunched together and made room. She snapped the pic.
When the storm abated, we started for home and here was a guy who had put his foot down when he stopped his bike -- only the weeds were taller than he thought and he broke his ankle. The pickup driver and I stuck him in the truck and hurried on down to the Sturgis hospital. You should have seen the people in reception. "You have a guy with what? You brought him in a truck? He hasn't been seen by any medical personnel?" Nobody had cell phones during this period of time, and I still think we got him to medical help way quicker than any other plan. I know he was really appreciative and sent the lady driver a huge bouquet of roses after he got home to Michigan! Ah, memories.
Thursday, October 10, 2013
Early thoughts after the loss of my beloved husband
All the self-help books, counselors, and well-meaning friends have one common piece of advice: You need to journal. Since I'm a writer, I can't journal well because I am constantly thinking of what the reader's reaction will be. I decided a blog would be a good outlet, and folks can go to it voluntarily instead of having to scroll down my lengthy posts on facebook!
On Sept. 5, my husband of 46 years died after a 4 year battle with brain cancer. I am at the place that numbness has gone away, and sometimes the strangest things trigger my tears. I'm learning that tears are good, though, and cleansing. People are very understanding about my melt-downs. Nobody has said, "Time will heal you." I read today that what you DO with time is what heals you. Do you struggle with some advice? I am blessed that nobody has said, in essence, "Buck up, old girl." I so appreciate practical advice. Hopefully in the future you will see some of that here.
For now, keep looking up ...
Kathy
On Sept. 5, my husband of 46 years died after a 4 year battle with brain cancer. I am at the place that numbness has gone away, and sometimes the strangest things trigger my tears. I'm learning that tears are good, though, and cleansing. People are very understanding about my melt-downs. Nobody has said, "Time will heal you." I read today that what you DO with time is what heals you. Do you struggle with some advice? I am blessed that nobody has said, in essence, "Buck up, old girl." I so appreciate practical advice. Hopefully in the future you will see some of that here.
For now, keep looking up ...
Kathy
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